I'm not falling for it

Even though it was 95 degrees out today fall is in the air here in the East Coast. See i write to tell all of you this because i really don't like fall. I know i'm crazy who doesn't love the beautiful changing leaves and the crisp new smell in the air. School kids excited about the first day of school with their new backpacks wearing the aroma of freshly sharpened pencils.I say bahumbug to you all, if i actually said words like bahumbug in real life. You must understand my thinking to understand my fear of yellow and orange leaves. Fall to me equals one thing and one thing only for me....WINTER and i hate hate hate the winter. I was born and raised in Arizona i wore sandals in January,and coats were things only made up in story books. I never had the Flu or even heard of RSV, and snow days were a myth, but these things are now part of my life. Coats and the Flu and regular snow days. I love the summer im a summer gal. The sweet smell of coco butter and sunscreen, flowy skirts and bare baby feet. Puffed sleeves and pudgy baby arms.Cool air conditioning blowing on your face. I think I'm having a real hard time this summer letting go because i feel jipped. Due to my medical situation and all the testing i didn't get to finish my summer checklist. We didn't go annual beach camping and i never picked berries. I wanted to go swimming at least once a day and BBQ most other days. I lost my summer and i'm mad, don't i have a right to be? Now i did get to do some of the things i love, i did go to a mini beach ( not the same as Assateague Island) we did go to a water park and we celebrated summer Birthdays, the best kind. Last weekend we went to an amusement park ,because i missed my chance, and i basked in the heat and enjoyed every bit of it, but i'm still mad. I want a do over, no sickness, no scare just summertime. Maybe i'll move to Florida.....

Come on people lets move on......

After my last blog post many of you commented and sent me emails, and many of you are very worried. First i want to reiterate that I'm not sick i feel great and i could go my whole life without one little tiny symptom, or i could have symptoms, but most likely i won't. I think we all have to realize that in life there is no certainty Hashem has a plan for us all, some of us get a prediction into the future and some of us don't, but even when we do get a glimpse from a doctor it is just a prediction.Hashem can surprise us all, and he does every single day.
With this said my family has chosen not to allow this diagnosis to effect our lives, we will continue to try to have more children, and continue loving and enjoying every single minute with the ones Hashem has blessed us with. If i need treatment , which i don't, but if i ever do we will climb that hill and ski down the other side.
Life has gone on in our little shtub.....
Rozie got a haircut







Went to Dc and stayed at a fancy hotel, the kids loved the big beds and Rozie found a new friend in the mirror





I even broke my toe, but i'm not showing pictures of that , ewwwwww. To quote my Nana when she read my other post "life is life", and she is right.
May Hashem bless each and everyone of us with a Gut Bench Yor , a happy and blessed year,as this New Year is every so quickly creeping comes upon us.
Leshanah tovah tikateiv veteichateim--"May you be inscribed and sealed for a good and sweet year."

The Nightmare, The Storm, The Calm, And Peace

I have a new story to tell that might be a little scary for some. Many of you will read my story through this blog, some of you i know and see everyday , some of you i only know through support and the internet, and some of you i do not know at all. Some of you will cry, and some of you will look at me with pity ( please don't do that) and some of you won't know what to say. I consider myself a strong person with no credit to myself only to Hashem. When i find my strength I often can't believe i can do some of the things i can do and handle some of the things that are given to me. I see this as only the will of Hashem and nothing else, so please give me no credit. I now tell my new story with a new found strength from Hashem. Thank you Hashem , thank you....
About 1 month ago i had some routine blood work done on a very routine kind of day. The doctor wasn't happy with what he saw so he took more of my precious blood and called me with a news that i have only heard of in my nightmares, and i truly thought i was in nightmare waiting to wake up. The doctor said my cells were not doing the right thing and creating too much of a certain type of cell and it looked like my cells were dancing there way into a form of leukemia. I hung up the phone and watched myself from the outside thinking that poor girl I'm glad i didn't get that phone call, but it was me not someone else.
I soon took a trip to the cancer center at Sinai hospital. I knew right where it was because i have seen the sign many of times to the right of the elevator and I always thanked Hashem that i didn't have to go right , but on this very scary day i went right.
In this very scary place i met the nicest calmest doctor in the world and he spoke to me of blood, and cells, and mutations. As he spoke i looked over to see my husband turn pale and slowly put his sad little head between his knees, and my sweet Nechama Roza started to fuss and she never fusses, and i thought about my husband my kids and looked at them and i realized they cant live without me they really can't.
The doctor then ordered about a million tests and i had to give up 24 tubes of my blood to a not so nice nurse and i felt week because that was more blood than i was willing to give up.
Then the storm hit and it was a crazy loud, and scary calm. and loud again, kind of storm. We went home and waited two weeks for the results, but Hashem makes me strong, and i made a gorgeous party for my Rozie. We went to the library and bowling.


I laughed with my kids basked in their wonderfulness ( is that a word) and went to bed every night and cried. Sleep soon became a foreign substance and a wet pillow became my new best friend. The storm was wicked and crazy but we lived through it and my paddle boat stayed afloat even when the waves were so big i thought that it might sink.
Last Friday i got my results, my peace, my calm......
The doctor confirmed my fears i have Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL), now before you start googling, i have a link here, there is some scary stuff on the internet but this sight describes it the best. Please don't read the other stuff out there it won't make you feel good , trust me.
The strange thing about all this is Hashem has blessed me with peace and it has washed over me like a perfect calm. I no longer feel scared and my pillow is now dry and i am sleeping again, B"H. I know all of you are now thinking what is your prognosis , will you need treatment, WHAT NOW???? So for all of my loving and caring friends ( what would i do with out all of you) i made a simple easy to follow list....
1. This is a chronic disorder not like most cancers, B"H. I can live with this without symptoms for many years.
2. I am not currently sick i feel fine , really i feel 100 percent.
3. The doctor will give me a prognosis for my life expectation in about 6 weeks, but my husband and i have chosen not to hear it, We all have prognosis in life , but most of us are lucky enough to not know it, i also want to be lucky enough not to know.
4. This will be something that i have to monitor and keep on top of and i will not be receiving treatment unless i become symptomatic and the treatment is usually very successful , because as i said this is a chronic disease much like having high blood pressure. You have to watch it keep on it maybe take meds, but most likely with the help of Hashem and all of the support and love i receive from everyone of you i will be living a long healthy life.
This is my story, not so bad , right? I thought i conquered the world when i had two more children after the doctors told me i couldn't have more babies, then i thought i conquered the universe when i gave birth to my Rozie and learned to accept and love her Down syndrome diagnosis with grace and pride, but i guess Hashem has more for me to conquer. Honestly i'm a bit tired, Hashem, and a break would be nice, but Hashem knows better and has chosen me to take these wild trips for a reason.
This is my shluchos my message
Moshiach Now!!!!!!!

A perfect party for a perfect girl!

Rozie really had the best first birthday party and she really deserved it. Perfect family, perfect friends, perfect food, perfect fun, and of course one little perfect Rozie.