Sunday, January 2, 2011

The mesh of our sounds

My home is quiet right now. I can here the hum of the computer and little noises Rozie is making while playing with her toys behind me. I can hear the soft whoosh of the traffic outside and a few leaves rustling. I want to cry.
My oldest just left after a two week visit and i can honestly say it was the shortest two weeks of my life. My husband and Dovie are taking him to the train.The train that will take him back to the Yeshiva he loves and misses.This is such a hard reality for me, it is hard to justify in my mind that he will never live at home again. He will come for visits, and short stays,and that is it.
When he was here i tried to soak him up. I spent as much time as i could with him ans schlepped him everywhere with me. We laughed and talked, he stole my camera and took pictures with his incredibly creative eye.
We drew, and he created some pretty amazing stuff on the Etch a Sketch.
Its amazing how quiet a house can get, how each of our children complete a whole. How each voice, each footstep, mesh together to create a personalized sound. Our sound feels broken right now, missing a beat, and a note.Is this empty nest? You bet, but how?
I am not empty i have a full house, i have little footsteps and sweet noises, but i need all my sounds.
I need the sound of my oldest, but i have to let go.It gets better, it takes time and it gets better.
My husband and i joke, this is our coping, we joke when things get rough. We say "Look how nice Mel is keeping his room up", or "I'm just so proud of Mel he is really turning into a tidy guy, his bed looks like it hasn't even been slept in" and we laugh and laugh, laughing helps. It really does. I miss you my sweet guy, whens next break? I'm counting the days.
I love you my sweet kinder from the moon and back a million billion trillion times over


Leigh Ann said...

Um, can I hire Mel to come take photos of me? You look incredible!

Can't imagine my boys living away. HUGS!

Sheva said...

Hey that is a great idea i'll hire him out to do family photos and maybe we can pay off his Yeshiva dept, lol

one_plustwins said...

Awww, Sheva!!! Makes my eyes misty and my heart heavy for you.

But you are right, the house is not empty; you simply need to get used to the new tune and live for the changing tempo of times when Mel comes for visit from Yeshiva.

Deanna said...

wow, you don't look old enough to have a son that big. (-: my oldest is almost a year old, so i have no idea how you feel, but i just wanted to say that i love your blog! my daughter has that little something extra as well and it is nice to come here and see so many pictures of your beautiful daughter!

Menucha said...

Hi Sheva,
I don't know you - but you have just moved me to tears and far beyond inspiration. I'm sure you get this all the time, and I know you must be used to it by now, but how on earth do you manage to do all that you do???
Your children are beautiful, and your home is charming. Your creativity and talents (the parties, the crafts, the photography) are just wonderful! Your strength is compelling, and your courage is a marvel. Your faith... I don't know any words to comment on your faith. I was referred to your blog by my sister, right before I was to hang up the phone and go to sleep. But that was about 1.5 hours ago. I've been reading, and wondering, and marveling, and crying, and wondering some more. You truly are an incredible women. A role model to all of us mothers and a truly blessed mother of Israel. You have a way of seeking, squeezing, and capturing the essence of each and every moment... the moments we all experience and yet, we let them slip by...
I was looking for your email or a way to contact you directly (as this is rather lengthy for a comment) but I didn't find one... perhaps this will serve as a shout-out to all your silently inspired readers - there is no doubt you have captured the hearts of many a mother, and have instilled and inspired a yearning for loving each and every little moment, each and every little blessing.
Thank you so much for sharing you struggles, your thoughts. Your trials and your triumphs. Your fears and your achievements... Thanks for sharing your life-learned wisdom.
- Menucha

Erin said...

I can imagine this is an adjustment period for you and how you must miss him. I love these photos they speak more then words. What a lovely little family you have. The pics of Rosie are beautiful and Mel truly has a great eye.

Rivki said...

Even though Yeshivah is a long, long way off for us, I'm already not looking forward to it! I agree with Deanna - you don't look like you could have a son in Yeshivah. Your family is so beautiful. Hatzlacha with managing without the noise of your oldest, keep joking, right?

Menucha Levy said...

Someone just told me they read my comment here, but that I posted it anonymously. I didn't realize I have not set up that Google account I posted with; that was not meant to be another anonymous blog comment.... we are women and mothers and should be able to openly share, inspire, and chat with one another. Thanks again for sharing!!

Sheva said...

Menucha your comment was not anonymous to me it was heartfelt and beautiful. Thank you, words like your inspire me to keep writing to and squeezing as much as i can out of everything. Thank you!

nana Rita said...

Dear Grandaughter
I always knew you were talented but now I think you are a brilliant writer as well.
Your expressions of your truth are a gift, and one of your many outstanding creations
I just read the book The Secret and it says to say "I am well"
I know Mel is in a good place"
My family is healthy, as am I"
It is the law of attraction
I have to lose weight, woke up and said "I am thin" and sure enough on tv there is a progam on weight loss
Keep well and have faith.
Remember, you are writing a book.
Nana .
Your nana

LibB said...

what a mentch your Melech is, and always was!