Friday, January 7, 2011

Shabbos, Shalom

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Here I am and hour and a half before Shabbos and i can not settle my mind. I have had a week, to say the least. I have had back to back doctor appointments. Rozie will need to have a small procedure because of her hospital stay and infection the doctors are a bit worried. I thought i was going to throw up when they told the news. I also had a hard visit to my hematologist/oncologist. They gave me news that i didn't want to hear or face. My blood continues to look good my levels are stable and that is good, but the doctor made it clear to me that sometime in my life i will need treatment, which means chemo. I knew this but i just hated to hear it, me the tough one, me the ball of energy, me the force in this little house, will be taken down by a chemical pumped into my veins. How will i do it how will i take care of my three babies, how? This isn't in my immediate future but the doctor scared me he said it could be in a year 5 yrs even 25 yrs, there is not science to it, one day your blood is stable one day it is not. How do i live like this? In the fall i was having strange symptoms, my face one day was numb. I wrote a lot in that time about not feeling well here. I did not let onto what, but i was feeling pretty bad. The doctors were worried that this form of CLL traveled to my brain. I guess in 3% of CLL patients this can happen. I know your thinking 3% that's nothing, but i am constantly a rare statistic, this is just my life, even the CLL itself is a rare statistic because it is most common in men over the age of 60. Last time i checked i did not fit that target market. The doctors wanted to do a spinal tap and see what was going on, but because my blood doesn't work right, they had to do a million tests on my blood before they did a spinal tap. Are you guys following me here. In this time frame the numbing went away thanks to an amazing local Doctor of Osteopath, and the spinal tap was canceled. When i went for my most recent appointment my doctor told me all about the brain statistics and the chemo, i walked out of the office with a numb face again, and i completely convinced myself that the CLL is in my brain. Here i am a few days later and i have a headache and a numb face, a kid with strep, and a unhappy baby. Is it in my head has my stress brought it back or is cancer eating a away at my livelihood, G-d forbid. Right now i am breathing and i am listening to each breath and i am thanking Hashem for each puff of air that comes out.
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I hear giggling in the upstairs, and discovered two little ones protesting their naps. I went to Target my favorite place and bought this. I think i needed it.
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I am listening to my breathing again and i am counting to ten. I keep reminding myself that it is good and Hashem is in control, not the doctors. I am listening to each breath again and enjoying the quiet. I am alone because everyone is asleep and my husband is at work. I am breathing and listening again, each little sound each breath is calming my neshama. Everything will be good it is becoming a chant, everything will be good. Good Shabbos to my village, my friends, my family, my loves, may each one of you find your own Shalom this Shabbos.

9 comments :

Becca said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear all of this. Hang in there, and keep those babies close! Sending thoughts of healing to all of you...

patricia said...

BIG hug Sheva...and I wish I were there to make you a cup of tea.... xxoo

Tiffany said...

Praying with you.

And I saw Miss Rozie in Kelle Hampton's new post... She is SO gorgeous!!

mntee said...

My heart goes out to you...
i don't really know you, but please-if you ever want some company or need anything...let me know!

Miriam Leah said...

oh Sheva, im sorry I didn't see this until now (although Im sure u know why :) ). Erev Shabbos=stress no matter how healthy or unhealthy we are. Yes, i think alot of it is in your mind-although i am not a doctor or G-d-especially since u had a very stressful week, and again-this was FRIDAY=our highest level of stress day. I always worry about what if, and what will be etc etc, i think mothers tend to do this and drive ourselves crazy (and sometimes those around us). Hashem loves each and every one of us and only does what is best for us-even if we dont see that or understand it. BH you are in a large, warm and giving community, so IF g-d forbid something were to change, you will have tons of love and support to help you with your gorgeous kids. thats IF-not when-IF. so dont worry and stress over it now. relax, take some glorious deep breaths, and enjoy those delicious kids! xoxo

Nechama said...

"Rare"... Rare is the new common. I promise. I hear it all the time... We've never heard of that.. it must be rare.." "Chaya has both? wow thats uncommon." "Did you see a geneticist? thats so rare" Etc etc etc. I wish we didnt know anything/anyone that was rare. but its all too common for me. As you said, we just have to try staying afloat and keep thinking positive. Feel Good!!

bracha tzipora said...

Dear Sheva,

I am a long time lurker and I think first time commenter. Just want to tell you that I enjoy your blog, and I'm so sorry to hear about your expected treatments, etc. Would you be willing to share your Hebrew name with us so we could say tehillim?

wsr said...

Alicia, know, that no matter what I will always be there for you. ALWAYS

Andyfaith said...

I saw Rozie on Kelle Hampton's post. She was the first! (and if I may say, the cutest child) Especially with that adorable hair bow you made for her. I think of you often and love when you have new posts. Please feel free to post, even if is only to vent your fears, stresses and frustrations with life. Your faith in G-d is reassuring and I have learned so much by reading your blog. It is also fun to see pictures of your cute kids and I love seeing pictures of how you decorate your home. Like you said, it looks very warm and cozy...I hope it is a haven for you on days when life seems overwhelming.