Thursday, January 20, 2011

Whose steps are they?

Before i start here i just wanted to let everyone know that it is still cold here, really cold, ice/snow storm cold, but on a positive note only 59 days till spring.
I think lately one of the most common questions i hear is "does Rozie walk yet"? I answer simply,no, and then the conversation goes a little something like this: is she cruising ,no, is she trying to take steps, nope, oh is she pulling up, no, is trying to stand, nope, and at this point i usually get the blank face. I always feel bad for the questioner (is that a word?) so i try to cheer them up: don't worry i say, she is doing so much, she can crawl now, we are so excited, and she signs so many words.
Its funny that this is where i am, i am giving support to others when really shouldn't i need the support. There was a time in my life when milestones where important. I didn't need my child to walk at a year but 18 months, i would have liked some steps.
This is a mindset, and i often get asked more than anything from new mothers of special needs children. "How do you accept the difference, how do you sit in a room full of babies the same age as Rozie, who are walking and climbing and running, and she is just sitting there. How does the jealousy and frustration not eat you alive."
Here is my advice.... Let it go, just let it go. We have choices in this world some are hard and complicated and some don't need to be.I love my Rozie without limits, she is my perfect baby no matter what, so I can A: dwell on the progress Rozie is not making, and cry, and turn green with jealously, or B: I can LET IT GO! She will do things when she does them, and that is also OK. Love for a child is not measured in milestones, it shouldn't be measured at all, love is limitless. Jealousy of other children and their accomplishments is putting a limit on your child, and i refuse. I have made the choice to let it go, my little Rozie deserves so much more than a milestone worry, she is better than that.
I choose answer B.
(did you notice her little hand on Dovie's back, i could plotz!)
It is like a thousands of dollars of therapy all wrapped up in a pretty package. Let things go. My Rozie is so wonderful, she has so many strengths that would wow that hardest audience, and she struggles in areas too, like walking, standing, and even allowing her feet to touch the ground. We are working on this , real hard, but this is not taking over my life, Rozie will walk, maybe not today, and most likely not tomorrow, but one day she WILL walk, and I've let it go.
I love you my 3 little kinderlach from the moon and back a million billion trillion times over


one_plustwins said...

Great post, Sheva, I could not have said it better myself. :)

Anna Theurer said...

Sheva, I get those questions all the time too and I try to change it around to what she CAN do. Sometimes it is hard for me to watch all of the other kiddos in her playgroup run and climb, but from now on, I am going to choose B. My mother and I always say "Ellie is going to do these things when Ellie chooses to do them and when she does, it will be that much more wonderful." Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your blog. It is inspiring.

Cathy said...

I choose B too. Life is happier when you are a B!

LibB said...

Beautifully put. You are a stong, beautiful mother. I am proud you are my friend! :)

Becca said...

I hope all new mothers of children with Ds find your blog, Sheva. Your outlook is so refreshing and objective, not throwing your hands up crying, "why me?" but working with things as they are, taking things day by day. Many of us (even those of us with slightly older children) can learn much from you.

Maya said...

Of course she will!
My baby boy started to walk when he was 16 months old, nursed till he was 18 and now, when he is 28 months old he can hardly say 20 words. I think he is perfect even if he didn't hit those milestones on time. I know he is. said...

beautiful post, drank every word up

Nechama said...

Great post Sheva! Mussia knows how to sign too and i keep on saying it has been the greatest thing that we did! we opened up a whole new world of communication :) The steps too, im not quite bothered by the other kids that run around that are her age prob b/c we rarely seem them since were so busy in therapy :) (of course sometimes im like wow shes younger than her and does so much how does that happen? lol) but life is much better when we come to appreciate that ONE DAY they will get there, and yes it will be that much greater! and we will all rejoice in Rosies walking :) For the meantime, let her take her jolly old time- were all understanding you!

Cole said...

The answer to the question of how it does not eat you up- "I'm just so grateful she's mine. I've never been luckier. Mommas don't love their children less for what challenges they face." It's true, no?

guitarSevilla said...

Kate is 3 1/2 years old now and I realize I have always been a "B". I love her just the way she is, no matter what she can or can't do yet.
Great post Sheva. I love Rozie's beautiful face. Your kids are precious.

Julia said...

Great post!! It's so perfect and true, and the little hand on back pic. Be still my heart;)

Tracy said...

Your babies are all so beautiful...others are green with envy for you!

Anonymous said...

Your posts are so real and sincere! I love them. Rozie is beautiful! I don't know you, but I see from the pictures what an awesome little maidele Rozie is. I love her smile, I love how she's feeding her doll, and I loved her hand on her brother's back!! I'm so grateful that I stumbled across your blog. It helps me see the miracles and beauty that is LIFE.
You are an awesome photographer! I love Rozie's wardrobe: the bright colors are wonderful! You can tell that you are a positive Mommy who LOVES and ADORES her kinderlach!!
May Hashem continue to give you the Koach to live your life to it's fullest.

Good Shabbos!


patricia said...

Well put. I chose B.

EN said...

What a beautiful post and so important for many parents to hear! Even though we adopted Josie and knew to anticipate delays, I still find myself pushing her to go at a faster pace.But as you so eloquently emphasized, if you focus on the amazing qualities she has, all of that pressure to follow some sort of imaginary timeline fades and I focus on the important things - she's here, she's healthy, she's wonderful - just the way she is!

DESJ and Company said...

When she is 4 years old and playing on the playground, no one will ask when she walked.
It doesn't matter. She'll get there in her own time at the right time.
It's the getting there that matters, not the when
FWIW, Dovi walked at 23 months old.

herbwifemama said...

That reminds me of Rachel's Signing Time song "Shine"

Listen to it when you can cry.

Devorah said...

I am amazed by your attitude and the way you look at things!

Focusing on what your child can do will leave you with positive feelings and y'know what?! She'll get there! She'll reach the goals you set for her!!

Frayda said...

Let things go. I agree that this is a great policy but it is very hard to accomplish. You have to be able to control your brain in a very specific way. It is wonderful that you have figured this out. BTW, adorable pictures!