Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I will crawl again....

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For some reason we only associate milestones with babies. We talk a lot about what milestone our child has or has not hit, and one day it just stops. Our children reach certain age and milestones are no longer used to describe our children's achievements. We use a different language when a child grows we use words like meeting goals, and maturity levels, but really life is a milestone. Milestones are not just learning to crawl and walk but learning to grow, becoming an adult, becoming someone we like and feel good about. I have had many milestones in my life. I had a different childhood that took some healing to move past.
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I had very hard teenage years ( i was literally mad at the entire world for about 7 years)and in time i matured past those days.
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I married a great man and became a wife and tried hard in those beginning years to do it well, but i often failed.
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(doesn't my husband look so young here)
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I became a mommy very young and forced the maturity of becoming a parent probably way before i was ready. I grew into those years and being a wife and mom started to become second nature and easy and really enjoyable.
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I hit a milestone.
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I had a baby exactly 18 months ago and she turned out to be so different and so much more than i ever expected. I often doubted my ability in the last year, but i can honestly say i hit a huge milestone and have accepted parenting a child with special needs with pure joy and happiness.
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What a huge milestone!
I am now in a new stage of my life. I am in a stage where i am learning what it means to be sick, what it means to not have the control we all mistakenly think we have. I am learning that doctors will sometimes give you great advice, and sometimes their words can hit so deep and hard. I am learning to trust, and also let go. I am learning that we rely so much on what a doctor tells us , but really it is Hashem who decides. These are all new milestones I'm hitting. New levels of understanding. I recently received bad news form a doctor, remember back here when i discussed my condition. The doctors originally felt i could live a pretty normal symptom free life, now many months later they decided to change their story. They fear that this very slow growing form of leukemia is actually showing up as a more aggressive than they thought. I have never had tears flood my eyes so quickly and so uncontrollably in my life. Me the pillar of strength melted on a bench in the middle of a hospital flooding my eyes with sadness, right in front of my children. I was alone with two kids and no one cared, people just walked by. I guess the bench right outside of the cancer institute is often filled with tears, and people stopped paying mind. This is new to me. I don't fall apart because i trust Hashem, but for the first times in my life i said in loud clear words standing in a parking garage holding the stroller with one hand and a juice box in the other "I am so mad at you Hashem, I HATE YOU" and i threw that juice box as far as i could throw it. Dovie started to cry because i threw his juice box, and i couldn't fix it because it was so gone.
The truth is i don't hate Hashem i just needed to tell him that i was mad like a child that screams i hate you, i think Hashem knew that.
I kept Dovie home from school yesterday and we went to the toy store. I told him you can have anything in this store, anything. We had so much fun. We played on the mini power wheels, and i showed him my hula hoop skills. I hope he forgave me.
This is my new milestone my new goal. I will reach this milestone whatever it may be and move on to the next. I will learn to crawl again if i need to, and i will take my first steps, but i will do it, i will conquer and achieve. This cancer WILL NOT TAKE ME DOWN IT WILL NOT!!!! I will see each and every one of my children to the Chuppah including Rozie, yes you read that right,my Rozie WILL get married, without a doubt, and i will be there. I will fight through tears and win through tears. I will not let the doctors push me around i am stronger than that. I will call my village if that is what i need. I will force some of you to get on airplanes or drive many hours, but i will call you.
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This is not the end it is a beginning.
Thank you Hashem, i dont hate you, for the amazing blessings in my life.
Modeh Ani....
I love you my 3 kinderlach from the moon and back a million billion trillion times over.

31 comments :

"MRS" menucha said...

Sheva, I love you! I don't know why times are so hard right now but if you ever need someone seriously just ask I will be on a plane out there!
Your so strong but sometimes its hard, Dovi forgave you I'm sure.
Love Menucha

Mary said...

Sheva, I am in awe of how strong and amazing you are - your positive attitude, even in the face of bad news, is commendable. You lead a beautiful, blessed life and will continue to do so. I look forward to the day that, many years down the road, you show us pictures of Rozie's wedding!

patricia said...

Speechless. My heart opens for you. Continued prayers for strength, endurance and healing Alisheva.

Shauna said...

You are so strong and so right! We will be praying for you!

Patti said...

crying here and praying, Sheva. LOVE YOU.

Csunshinegirl said...

LOVE you too. GREAT post. Praying for you my friend. And in one of your pictures you looked like Gwen Stefani!!! csunshinegirl from baby center. :)

Shoshana Socher said...

Hard to know what to say except PLEASE post your Hebrew name so we can daven for a refuah shleimah.

chanalesings said...

Thank you for sharing these pictures, What an insight to your life. You are such a deep, soulful person, you truly inspire me to be a better person and live a more meaningful life. THANK YOU! Amen to all your convictions and God Willing, we would LOVE to make a visit!

Becca said...

I, too, am speechless. Your strength is an inspiration, and will take you far. Thinking of you and your beautiful family through this difficult news.

Brenda said...

Tears are streaming. You are such a strong, beautiful, and inspirational woman. Thank you for your honest words about life and struggles and also for your words of joy, endurance and peace. I will be praying for you and for this next milestone in your life. xoxo

Michal Rezonzew said...

Please publish your Hebrew name. I don't know you but I have such an appreciation for you. You're like a close friend and all last week I kept telling my husband how much I miss hearing from you. I cry with you and I smile with you. I'm not even a person that reads blogs. Just yours. Please help me return the kindness and the favors you've done to me by writing and letting me in on a small piece of your life here by letting me daven for you everyday and spreading your name around.
"What malach Michoel can't do, a farbrengen can" So I'm making a hachlata to make a farbrengen in honor of your refuah sheleima along with my uncle's who's going through a similar situation.

one_plustwins said...

I love you! We will be praying for you and I too cannot wait to see Rozie under the Chuppah...what a glorious day that will be!!

Sheva said...

For all my wonderful daveners my name......
Elisheva bas Esther

Julia said...

Oh Sheva....so beautiful and so true! Praying for you.

ChayAiz said...

ad meah veesrim!! you are a wonderful inspiration!!

ChayAiz said...

ad meah veesrim .. what an inspiration!

Adina (David's mommy) said...

Sheva - Loved this post. You are amazing and beautiful. Praying for you.

Cole said...

love and strength to your friend. Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut. love Nicole (Edamommy from babycenter)

4 Hasen said...

Hi ... so my english is not the best, but i must say a few words to your Post ... am speechless ... so wonderful words, so much love ... thanks ... I enjoy reading your words, also I do not understand everything, but alone the images speak for themselves ... so i hope you know wath i want to say :-)))

Love Naemi with Samea (DS) and Jalon

Chana said...

Elisheva bas Esther. Weeping and praying. Somehow weeping feels better, but I'll leave that up to
G-d... You are truly an inspiration.

Caroline from BC said...

I absolutely love your post! And can totally rely to you on that bench. I’m not sick (that I know of) but my baby is and I’ve had those feelings of hate and anger… and I’m also learning they take you no where. You have what it takes to win this battle! You have the mentality of a winner! A fighter! That’s the mentality of a cancer survivor. What a testimony of faith you are. I’ll be praying for you all the way!

The Professor said...

As I see there is comment moderation, this doesnt have to be posted. I just wanted to say that i will bli neder say the shir hamaalos for u daily.

As someone who just watched a close relative go through this, (and B'H on the road to recovery)I am positive with an attitude like urs, all will be fine.

U r a truly amazing woman, and G-d bless u!

Mo The Militant said...

It seems like I'm the only male commenting, but nu nu:)

I"yh, I will learn a weekly sicha in your zechus.

G-d willing, all will be fine! U will be able to be by great grandchildrens weddings. It happens. Im proof :)

Anonymous said...

Many prayers for you. Thank you for sharing your journey. - Cori

Rochel @ barefootandcooking said...

Sheva,
I've been following your blog for a long time, although I never left a comment before. My husband spent shabbos by you when he was a bocher. I wish I had your email address so I could reach out to you that way. First of all, we're davening for you. Second of all, I live in Bethesda, MD - if you ever need anything I'll come running. Even if it's something as simple as guest blogging to give you a break. Please ask.
May you be blessed with a speedy refuah shleima so that you can watch all your kinder grow up and lead them each to their chuppah. Please email me if you are interested rochelboyd@gmail.com

margula said...

Sheva, which kapitel should we say for you? (of course on a daily basis) and my invitation still stands-let me spoil you & your kiddies right here in Crown Heights! Please come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Affectionately, Margula

Cory said...

You are so precious beyond words. I hadn't yet read this post, and I am sad to hear that your journey is taking you through a glitch in the landscape. I know you will rise to the challenge though. I will be praying for you here.

temmy said...

Sheva I dont know you but I am in awe of your strength and honesty. May the Aibershter Grant you a Refuah Shleima Krova

Bethany said...

Is that bleach blonde you? You look like Gwen Stefani!! So cute, all your kids are cute but I especially love #3!!!

Carrie said...

We'll be praying for you here too!

P.S. I completely agree that you look like Gwen Stefani in that picture...I seriously did a double-take!

Mary said...

I've been meaning to say this for a while, but in your wedding photos you look just like Rozie - so beautiful!