Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I missed you spring!

So i missed spring. All of my weather reports, my countdown, my waiting, and i missed it.I know spring is still happening but i missed the actual coming of spring.
You know where you watch little tiny buds slowly open, your grass starts to green up, and the leaves start to grow in bunches. Instead i was in a bed for 2 weeks that smelled of weird sterile hospital soap, and spring happened without me.
Sometimes i was so out of it that it didn't matter, but there were a lot more moments that i was awake , uncomfortable , and mad. I wasn't just missing spring, i was missing my family, my life.
I became a person i didn't know. The first half of my stay i was docile and compliant, i just wanted to get better and out of there. But time slowly took a toll on me and i became angry. I yelled at nurses and techs, and couldn't believe it was my sad angry voice coming out of my mouth, but i hurt, and i was weak , and scared, and the nurses become my victims ( i don't feel that bad though, because some of them deserved my wrath). I was having allergic reactions to everything. The chemo, the medicine to help with the nausea, the pain killers, it was as if my body was shutting down saying stop stop stop pumping this into me. Instead the slapped a big red plastic bracelet on my wrist that said "Allergy", not allergic, but allergy, like i was the one to stay away from.
I can not put into strong enough words here how miserable i was. It took a part of me and i am still dealing with bits of anger. Anger at my body for quitting on me. Angry at this cancer for showing its ugly face, and angry at Hashem. I know Hashem has a plan, and i know its suppose to be good, and i know i should accept it, but i can't. I'm mad, i don't care what the plan is , how dare you do this to me and my family.
Am i allowed to scream from the tallest mountain "ITS NOT FAIR", or would i sound like a child, or does it even matter.
For two weeks i suffered, but worst of all i watched my sweet family suffer.
My Mel held my sickness on his shoulders,my big guy looked beat and tired and a little slumped over. He worried and feared because he is old enough to understand. He didn't want to go back to Yeshiva, and he loves his Yeshiva.
My Dovie was scared and worried, and asked me over and over if i still loved him. He asked me if i loved him when i was in the hospital, if i loved him now that im home, in general he just wanted to know if i loved him. It was so sad, i don't think he has ever doubted my love for him before, but somehow this horrible sickness took that security away from him.
My Rozie, oh my Rozie suffered, it brings tears to my eyes to remember.My sweet girl who was so happy and easy going, she would go to anyone, she was confident and secure, and a few minutes away from me never was a problem for her.
My mother came to help ( actually take over, thank Hashem because i don't know what we would have done).
Rozie doesn't know her Nana because my family lives so far away in California. She would cry when my mom would take her out of her crib in the morning. She would cry when my mom changed her, and sometimes she would just leave her bottom lip out and just look sad. She was sad. When i came home my mom put her in my bed and she just laid there eyes wide starring at me. She slowly fell asleep and held my arm with all her little strength. When i tried to move to a more comfortable position she held on for dear life. Rozie has always slept in her own crib and would never co-sleep, she needed her space, she likes to stretch out. But for the first time ever she held on in her sleep and needed me and my bed. It was sad.
Things are starting to look up because time heals. Im not so angry and my kids are getting back into a normal routine. Mel went back to Yeshiva, and my mom went home. Everyday i get a little stronger, but i have limits now.
Im trying to figure this whole thing out. I have 6 months of chemo ahead of me. SIX MORE TREATMENTS and im trying to figure out how to swallow that one without choking. Six more infusions, six more allergic reactions, six more bouts of nausea, six more energy swiping toxic chemicals, six more times that i will lose weeks with my family. Six more times, Six more times. I wish i had inspiring words here or a plan that would amaze you all, but i dont and i seriously do not know how im going to do this SIX MORE TIMES!I pray to Hashem that he will give me the energy the stamina the ability to do this six more times. Please Hashem give me this.
I want to thank everyone for your kindness. The emails, i had hundreds of them and my husband would read them to me every night. It was something to look forward to. The cards, i hung the on the wall so i could look at something that wasn't gray.The balloons, i love balloons im not sure why but they bring me so much joy, but they do, and i had enough to fill a circus! The flowers, there were vases everywhere. People came to my room just to see the flowers. They brought me so much joy, and the smell, oh the smell. When i would leave my room i would come back and it smelled like a florist shop, that is the best smell ever. Someone should bottle it "Ode de florist shop".
I also received one gift in the mail that deserved to be in a category of its own. A big bouncy yellow ball. Thats right a ball. Did you know that you can put a few stamps on a ball and send it. I had no idea, but when i opened my front door and found this, trust me it made my day. Could you imagine? I love my bouncy ball!


Mary said...

It's so great to hear from you! I've been thinking about you often over the past few weeks and praying. I'm glad that you are out of the hospital, though I'm sad that you are now on chemo. Did they eventually figure out what was up with your immune system?

Those pictures of your kids are gorgeous! Love, love, love your photography skills. Also, Rozie is looking SO grown up! Look at her beautiful little smile!

ckbrylliant said...

I am so happy to see this post and the smiles of your children!!! You ARE an inspiration, God has a plan for you and it is a GREAT one. I pray for you and your family every day and strive to be a better person because of you! It is good and healing to be angry and it takes time to channel that anger and make it work for you. Watch out CANCER!

CE said...

Refuah Shlaimah!!! We are thinking of you and missing you!!!!
Love, The Fogels

Esther said...

Oh Alisheva,

You write so beautifully - and your words just hit home. We all wish you such a speedy refuah sh'leimah - I wish I could just come over and help you out whenever possible. Did you get my very SPECIAL Birthday Brocha for a full and speedy recovery - that's a powerful brocha and the Aibishter must fulfill it! Will keep in touch!! Esther

Esther said...

Hi Alisheva,

I just tried to post a reply - hope it comes through to you!!


Anonymous said...

Glad you are home. I was crying when I read of Rosie's sadness at your absence. She must be so happy to have Mommy home.
Nancy from DownSyndromePregnancy.org

Naomi Oster said...

First of all, let me reassure you that with all of this rain we are having, you are not the only person who "missed" spring! Second of all, I am so glad that you are feeling well enough to post! I really missed your words and your photos. Third, we are all thinking of you and praying for you. Fourth, you will find the strength to do it again, and again...as long as needed, because your family needs you! Fifth....I could go on...but I won't! Refuah Shleima and lots of LOVE!

Sara said...

HaShem has a plan. We don't know what it is. We don't understand-how can we? sick children, sick mommies, suffering, tragedies. We don't know. We cannot understand. But know that in 120 years when we get to the Olam HaEmes, we will know. Just like our children don't understand why we do things to them-why we "hurt them" when they have shots-we, their loving parents, understand why that shot was needed. But they don't understand, and it hurts.
We don't understand why HaShem does what He does. There is no way that we can understand. Trying to understand will only lead you to frustration and upset, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing in the entire universe that anyone could ever say to you to make what you are going through make sense. Know, just know, in your heart of hearts, that HaShem loves you and has chosen your path for reasons that will at some point be clear.
((hugs)) glad to hear you are home.

pittsburgh shluchim said...

It made our day that it made YOUR day!!!!!
Chanie and Feigie (and Family)

feigie said...

It made our day that it made YOUR day!!!
Chanie and Feigie (and Family)

Michele said...

No, it is not fair! We will never understand why things happen. I just pray that your treatment works. Six more times...you can do it. Your children and your photos look gorgeous. Now enjoy your spring!

Amy said...

You missed Spring, and we missed YOU!! So glad to see you posting again- will continue sending prayers of strength to you as you get through these treatments. Hugggggggggs!!

Susanna said...

Sheva, I am sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through. I am so glad to see you back!

Becca said...

Welcome home, Sheva. I can't express how sad I am that you've been so ill, but I'm thinking of you and your beautiful family, wishing you all strength that I know you'll be able to find.

Angel said...

So happy to see you are back posting. :) Missed your writing and beautiful pictures. So sad you have been sick. :( Sending prayers of peace and healing to you. And yes, you are totally allowed to scream it's not fair, because it isn't.

schap said...

so happy to see this today!!! hope u feel all better really soon! as usual, ur family is adorable...
glad to hear ur voice again! (altho we liked ur husband's posts as well :) )

Rivki Locker (Ordinary Blogger) said...

I have been davening for you, although I'm a new follower/friend, and I'm so happy to see that you're back. You are very strong and I'm sure you will make it through this tough time. I can identify with your kids and the pain they are going through now. My mom went through surgery and months of chemo when we were kids (there were four of us) and we all got through it. It wasn't easy, but it went faster than we thought it would. Before you know it, you'll be back in full swing for your kids. Refuah Shleima.

Chana P said...

So glad you're home safe and sound!!!!
The high school here in long beach has been saying tehillim for you every day!
We should only hear good news
refua shleima!

patricia said...

sOOOOOOOOOOO happy to see you back! You were MISSSSSED!

Thank you for sharing your beautiful family and life with us.

I pray for strength and ENDURANCE and infinite peace from our God!

one_plustwins said...

It is so very wonderful to "hear" your heart. Thank you for sharing.

I wish I could come to Maryland to help you....I will pray. Time will help, my exMIL also had allergic reactions when she took Rituxan (I don't know your medication but that is what she took). It was rough on her body. BUT she is in remission now.

(putting motherly hat on now)
Take time, rest and HOLD TO YOUR LIMITS. (taking motherly hat off now)

My heart was so heavy for you. I am so happy to see your are bouncing back ;)

Brenda B said...

So happy to see that you are home and back with your sweet babes. I know that you can do whatever it takes my friend because you have those little faces to look into each day, and they need their momma. Many hugs being sent and prayers being said. xoxo

Devorah said...

Woah, it must've been really hard for you. Of course you are mad. Of course you are angry. It's cuz you're NORMAL! It's normal to have these feelings.

It's interesting how each child reacted differently to your being out of the house. So happy you are back home!

Wishing you the strength you need to continue on...and may you feel Hashem by your side always!

Jenny Dawn said...

Oh Sheva-- look at that beautiful Rozie and the rest of your family! Such beautiful photos-- they are why you can make it through 6 more treatments!!! You can do this!! Am also grieving that you have to go through this and would feel the same way-- your kids missing you is the hardest part for me to read-- just breaks my heart. Sending you strength!

Anonymous said...

Hurray! I'm so glad that you are back. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. Being in a hospital over yom tov is not easy especially when you are leaving such cute children behind. May Hashem give you strength to get through this hurdle.

Jenny (also) said...

You're so right IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

I don't think Hashem has anything to do with you getting cancer but I do think he is there with you in your darkest hours. He's the divine spark within you that forces you to keep on keeping on even in your despair. Hashem is there in every gift a thoughtful friend sent. And Hashem is certainly there in your mom's arrival to help take care of the kids.

Your children know you love them more than anything and they will unfortunately get used to your absences until you are all better.

You are a hero! You are a champion! and most importantly you can do it!!

Devora said...

I've been checking your blog every day (at least twice) to see if you updated anything... so happy to hear from you again.
Your words of frustration actually speak the hearts of all your friends and family: we want Sheva healthy again!
Try to keep strong, we are all backing you and davening for you along the way!

Team Lando said...

Oh my, such beautiful children and welcome back. You are prayed for and loved by your "virtual" friends as well... We missed you!

Beth said...

Welcome home!!! I have been praying that you would be home soon and able to post an update on how you and your sweet family are doing. We have all been so worried for you! You are a strong lady and I know that you are going to get through this difficult time in your life. HaShem can bear your anger - don't be afraid to scream "It's not fair!" It isn't fair! I don't know G-d's plan for you, but I know that He will bless your family to the moon and back because you are His children and He loves you. We are all here for you!

Gretchen Mather said...

Hi there, I don't know you but I am a member of the Down syndrome baby center message board, and happened to read your "I'm back" post and then clicked to read your blog. I wanted you to know that I am sending strength your way, and lots and lots of positive thoughts. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make this any easier, but just try to focus on the fact that you WILL get through this. This WILL come to an end. It is hard to realize that when you are in it, but just hold on. You can do it. And by the way, you have an absolutely beautiful family! Feel free to check out my blog www.blog.gretchenmather.com if you feel like it.

Carolina said...

I know it seems so un fair, and it is!!! I was on tears reading this post!! You CAN do this, you WILL do this!! you can go true this and bounce back!!! I know medicines are strong, but you are a strong woman!! I wish I could say/do something that help! I have been praying and will continue to do so for you and your family!! Hughs!! On a most bright note: Rozie is so big!! Just a couple of weeks of not seeing her and she looks like a little toddler princess! Her hair has grown so much! So much cuteness!!

Leah and Nick said...

So glad you are home and so sorry you and your family have been going through such hardship. You and your beautiful family have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

Thank you for being such an inspiration. I know that's certainly not your goal right now, but it means so much.

Sarah said...

Alisheva, you are an extraordinary woman, yid, mother and wife. Your faith and strength and positivity should bring blessings, and a *complete* and speedy refuah.

Regine said...

So glad to see that you're back, I've been checking:) Imagine that six treatments and then b'h you'll have your life back! I know it seems like a lot but take them one at a time, it's easier that way. I hope your feeling all the positive vibes I'm sending your way :)

Mina said...

Was thinking abt you and your family for past weeks. Your post was so hard to read. So sorry you are going through all this and that Hashem is testing your strength once again. I hope you will get your strength back, feel better, and kick that cancer hard - until then, hold on strong. we are all davening for you.

Carla said...

I just found your blog, and I was simply enchanted by your gorgeous family. I will keep you and your family in my prayers this Shabbat, and say a mi'sheberach for you. May HaShem bless and protect you.

Ilisa Ailts said...

I wish I could take away your treatments, if only we could all take some of that on for you and your sweet family. Gorgeous pictures and you are an inspiration to us all!

Anonymous said...

I davened for you yesterday at the Kotel. May hashem give you a complete refuah and the strength to handle the next couple of months.