Light

Here is sit ready to post again and i cant. Its been a few days im not even sure how many im so out of it,Leiby, little sweet Leiby. What draws me to this boy, why has it been so hard for me and many others to let go. I did not know his family, i don't know anyone else that knows his family. I don't live in New York and I've only been to Borough Park to shop, yet my loss is so heavy for this little stranger. I haven't slept well the last few nights because i have been up to late searching all the websites for more information. I honestly don't know what im looking for, Leiby is gone, he was murdered in a horrible way, and there is nothing left to do, but i keep looking. I keep hoping and i'm not sure for what. A glimmer maybe, something to add a spec of light to this tragic darkness. I want to read that they have medical proof that he did not suffer and was not scared, i want a personal letter from Hashem telling us all its ok and Leiby is happy and not to worry anymore. I want something but im not getting it, i need to stop reading the follow up news and get some sleep my body is wearing down.
There is a connection in our community that is like a long chain made of many different links that bind us all together. Our nation has been through a lot and we have rejoiced and suffered together. So when one of our own is hurt we all feel it,we are missing a link in our eternal chain.
This morning my kids built a "boat" with couch cushions. I watched them struggle to maneuver the large pillows, they were so excited to build this great ship. I was watching from the bare couch and my son looked at me and said "mommy aren't you going to take pictures"? because this is what i do i take 1000s of pictures of my kids all day everyday, and he was shocked that i wasn't capturing every moment of the "great ship".


I didn't want to take pictures it felt so weird to move on when i know their is a part of our chain missing and a family feeling such agony over their missing link. I felt guilty like i wasn't ready to go back to my own life, but i have to and i snapped away.
One of the things that struck me when the Fogel family was brutality murdered in their own home by terrorist, was the attitude of the Country. Israel did not recoil in fear and leave the great lands that were given to us by Hashem himself,and they did not retaliate and attack a Palestinian family in the same horrific way. Israel said theses simple words " We will continue to build". This hit me hard at first because i was shocked that at this dark time the country was only thinking of land, dirt and water. Then i realized the meaning. Its not just the physical building but the spiritual.
We will continue to build if you strike us down we will only grow more.This is the way of the Jewish people and the Lubavitcher Rebbe only encouraged us to grow, to conquer the bad , to want more. I know the Rebbe would of wanted us to bring light in this dark time, and it doesn't matter who you are Lubavitch or not, bring light.
Leiby's loss was tragic beyond words. The darkness is so dark that we can not see our own two hands, but they are there. Today i will bring light. I don't know how, i don't know what, but i will start to try to light this world again. We are the lamplighters and the lamps need to be lit. Please take it on yourself, bring some light and start today.

(my little light)