Monday, October 3, 2011

The New Year.....

I had these great plans. I was really going to write something amazing about Rosh Hashanah, about the New Year. I planned to write about how thankful i am to be entering this New Year with a sense of relief, i planned to write all about the hard year i had and how it turned out ok in the end , but i didn't write any of that.
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Instead i suffered through my Yom Tov preparations, procrastinating to the very last moment. I shed actual tears at the market when i realized i could no longer push my cart filled to the top, and then i started crying more when i thought about loading and unloading the same cart with two little ones in tow. Then i had a full on melt down when i thought about actually cooking all the food.
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I wasn't having a two year old tantrum because i just didn't want to push the cart anymore, or because loading groceries is not fun , but because i actually couldn't physically push the cart anymore. I was mad, frustrated, and burnt. I went home and had a few more fits. I ended up cooking a ridiculous amount of food with a scowl, and lit my Yom Tov candles in a flurry. I was mad at my situation and honestly i was a bit, ok a lot, pissed at Hashem. I was mad about the year i had and that anger turned into fear, fear of what the next year has in store. I fear for what is written in that big book this year.
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I went to Shul and i davened with my children and watched them light up every time the Shofar was blown. I explained things to them and enjoyed their New Year excitement. I personally kept quiet , i didn't want to daven because i feared i would spend a lot of time scolding Hashem and that is not what i need to be doing. I had a hard day first day Yom Tov and i tossed and turned all night.
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The next morning wasn't any better, but i packed the little ones up and back to Shul we went. I decided to take a turn and walk past my favorite street through my favorite neighborhood.
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I was not in a hurry. I slowly walked under a canopy of green trees that were starting to change colors, but just on the top. Reds, yellows, and browns peeking through the green. The grass literally glowed neon green from all the rain we have been having, and the sun was shining through reflecting off everything.
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It was something out of a movie, something you would see on a postcard, or in a famous painting. It was was breathtakingly beautiful. There are no other words. I went to Shul feeling better, for no reason then i just did. I was still scared and angry but for some reason i felt ok with it. Like Hashem was saying "its ok to feel that way, you had a crappy year".
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I heard the Shofar again and this time i cried. Im not sure why and i cant even put it into words. I just cried. I needed that i needed that awakening. I wish i had better words to put here right now, like that i feel better now less scared. That i feel confident that this year will be easier. I wouldn't be honest if i gave that to you. All i can say is for some reason i just feel better.
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I hope that everyone one of you are able to find clarity and peace within yourself this New Year. May you find health and happiness. May Hashem help each and every one of you to just ...feel better.
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20 comments :

Rivki @ Life in the Married Lane said...

Amen. Beautiful post, Sheva.

one_plustwins said...

love your heart!

Team Lando said...

I love your honesty, and those photos are breathtaking.

Izzy said...

I had a discussion with one of the ladies who stays late after the Kiddush on Shabbos. She was complaining about the long walk she had.

I said to her that I appreciate the long walk I have to shul (about a half an hour each way). It lets me be contemplative and to calm myself as sort of a preparation for shul.

She did not appear to understand the concept at all.

Sometimes the peace of a slow pace is all we need to find ourself in a better place.

chanalesings said...

Beautiful post.

chanalesings said...

Beautiful.

Leah K said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I don't think there is anything else to say aside for AMEN.

May this year be a good one for everyone, everywhere.

From one of your very serious (yet anonymous) blogworld fans.

ckbrylliant said...

You just look at that sweet little, apple eating, angel and pray!!!! Pray for clarity and purpose, pray for peace. I love your posts.

lovemy3 said...

Beautiful pictures!

Leah said...

Beautiful post and beautiful pictures. You're kids are so adorable I love looking at them.

I think it makes us all feel better to know that everyone has some sort of melt-down at some point during the cooking marathon. Planning, shopping and cooking 6 meals is very very difficult.

Amen to a wonderful new year.

Anonymous said...

i loved reading your post... so true! the pictures are also great!( my favorite one is the one where your husband is holding rosie and shes taking a huge bite out of her apple...its sooo cute!)

Chaya H. said...

Beautiful. So true and heartfelt.

Sheva said...

Thank you everyone here and i hope each and every one of you go into this new year with health happiness and all that good sweet stuff!!!!

Anonymous said...

i couldn't relate more. i check up on your blog every once in a while. i felt the same as you before rosh hashanah. i realized that from after sukkos until now, i've gone through terrible suffering that no one in my young 20 years should know about in a lifetime. i realized that Hashem, last rosh hashanah decreed this - 13 months of endless pain. i know there is so much to be thankful for. those people that care and think of me. there are many blessings. but overall... so i was scared of this year. what can i do differently? what did i not do last year rosh hashanah? i don't have answers. i just keep davening. I know that Hashem does only good. I only pray that this year it's REVEALED GOOD. for all of us.

Keshet said...

This is beautiful. Amen.

Ariella said...

I just read this post...beautiful as usual... I thought i was the only one who had a break down shopping.. I actually cried 10 boxes of food not including the meat and then the thought of cooking it. I had to get a second cart my first was too heavy and i was scared of breaking it. i walked out with tears in my eyes and a torrino chocalete in my hand
I love your postn i really hear them and am amazed at your photography that im sure your children make b/c of their stunning faces.
i always tell myself that i will do all those seasonal things like apple picking but you actually do it !!

Ariella said...

I also had ab breakdown shopping . I cried.. i had 10 boxes not including the meat. I went through 2 carts out of fear of breaking the first one and then the thought of cooking it !!!!!!! I walked out with tears in my eyes and a torrino chocalate in my hand.
Love how you did apple picking I always tell myself i will do the seasonal activities but you actually do it.

Ash said...

Hello. I have just added you to my reader and I have to say it's been a joy spending some time reading about your family and your wonderful outlook. You and your family are such inspirations. I am no stranger to special needs (though not the same needs as your precious daughter) and I have to say seeing pictures of your family brings a smile to my face :)

And now for the totally off-topic, almost embarrassed to ask because it's so unimportant and not what your blog is all about - but could you tell me where you bought the skirt you are wearing here? I keep (a form of, anyway) tzniut and I only wear long skirts (I just prefer it) and I just thought it was so beautiful!

Shavua Tov and I hope it's okay that I commented (I don't usually comment on blogs of strangers, heh) !

Elisheva said...

Beautiful kids, beautiful pictures. A pure feast for the eyes!

Ayelet said...

So poignant. Your kids are gorgeous!! Don't you love the way "big" brothers take care of their little girls? Too sweet.