I had these great plans. I was really going to write something amazing about Rosh Hashanah, about the New Year. I planned to write about how thankful i am to be entering this New Year with a sense of relief, i planned to write all about the hard year i had and how it turned out ok in the end , but i didn't write any of that.
Instead i suffered through my Yom Tov preparations, procrastinating to the very last moment. I shed actual tears at the market when i realized i could no longer push my cart filled to the top, and then i started crying more when i thought about loading and unloading the same cart with two little ones in tow. Then i had a full on melt down when i thought about actually cooking all the food.
I wasn't having a two year old tantrum because i just didn't want to push the cart anymore, or because loading groceries is not fun , but because i actually couldn't physically push the cart anymore. I was mad, frustrated, and burnt. I went home and had a few more fits. I ended up cooking a ridiculous amount of food with a scowl, and lit my Yom Tov candles in a flurry. I was mad at my situation and honestly i was a bit, ok a lot, pissed at Hashem. I was mad about the year i had and that anger turned into fear, fear of what the next year has in store. I fear for what is written in that big book this year.
I went to Shul and i davened with my children and watched them light up every time the Shofar was blown. I explained things to them and enjoyed their New Year excitement. I personally kept quiet , i didn't want to daven because i feared i would spend a lot of time scolding Hashem and that is not what i need to be doing. I had a hard day first day Yom Tov and i tossed and turned all night.
The next morning wasn't any better, but i packed the little ones up and back to Shul we went. I decided to take a turn and walk past my favorite street through my favorite neighborhood.
I was not in a hurry. I slowly walked under a canopy of green trees that were starting to change colors, but just on the top. Reds, yellows, and browns peeking through the green. The grass literally glowed neon green from all the rain we have been having, and the sun was shining through reflecting off everything.
It was something out of a movie, something you would see on a postcard, or in a famous painting. It was was breathtakingly beautiful. There are no other words. I went to Shul feeling better, for no reason then i just did. I was still scared and angry but for some reason i felt ok with it. Like Hashem was saying "its ok to feel that way, you had a crappy year".
I heard the Shofar again and this time i cried. Im not sure why and i cant even put it into words. I just cried. I needed that i needed that awakening. I wish i had better words to put here right now, like that i feel better now less scared. That i feel confident that this year will be easier. I wouldn't be honest if i gave that to you. All i can say is for some reason i just feel better.
I hope that everyone one of you are able to find clarity and peace within yourself this New Year. May you find health and happiness. May Hashem help each and every one of you to just ...feel better.