The nudge of Hashem

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? I have, three times. Three children, three beautiful Miracles. I know your thinking yah yah yah children are miracles we get it you love your kids they are a miracle , etc. etc. etc. Really they have each defied the odds by making it here into this world. My children are the result of Hashem and only Hashem, because i was not suppose to have three children , i was not medically suppose to be able to have children at all, and the fact that i had three when doctors said i wouldn't, equals three wonderful beautiful miracles in my life. I am so lucky to have personally witnessed Hashem's handy work.

Miracles happen all the time. Maybe they are not sea splitting kind of miracles but more like little nudges from Hashem's hand. I have witnessed many of these nudges just by spending many hours on the playground as a parent and a teacher. How many times have i seen Hashem's hand brush the feather soft hair of a child as he runs past a swing that has miraculously missed the child's head by a millimeter.Im sorry, believe what you want but that is a Hashem nudge.

The examples like this are endless because as much as we think we control this world really everything in our lives is beautifully orchestrated by the one above. I try to remember this when i am running late and i pull onto the highway to only discover hours of traffic ahead of me. I try to remember this is part of the plan and Hashem didn't want me there on time. This way of thinking has brought a lot of Shalom to my life it has helped me with the largest and smallest of challenges. It really is a form of letting go, and i know first hand letting go is HARD.

On this Friday, Erev Shabbos, Chof Gimmel Iyar,May 27 2011, i personally witnessed a sea splitting miracle unfold right in front of my stunned eyes.
On this very day i sat with a close friend in a office of a top notch specialist at one of the finest hospitals in the world, and listened to this doctor tell me that my Chronic lymphocytic leukemia is no longer, and it has somehow miraculously turned into a very mild form of Lymphoma that is treatable with mild drugs and he is taking me off chemo. Let me say that again for all who might have missed it. I was told that my cancer has transformed and no longer needs chemo. Have you ever heard of that? Have you ever heard off someone being taken of chemo in thew middle of treatment because things have changed.I know i personally haven't.
I am sitting here writing this to you in shock i do not know if i should laugh, cry, celebrate, or second guess. All i know is on that very day i witnessed a miracle. Thank you Hashem for your earth shattering nudge, i truly needed it, again.

Round Two..Ding Ding

Normalcy has begun again in my home. Im starting to feel like myself. I cooked, cleaned and went shopping with both little ones in tow. I went to a few of Dovie's baseball games and stayed up past 9pm. Life was really feeling good, almost as if this was all a bad dream.

I have treatment again this Tuesday and ill be back at square one.
The strange thing is, as scary as this all is,i feel a sense of calm this time. Maybe its knowing what to expect. I know im going to feel like garbage. I know walking up the steps are going to be hard for me. I know everything i eat will taste like soap.I know my energy will be limited. None of this will be a surprise and that calms me some.

I'm also prepared and i put together a little portable craft kit to occupy me through three long days of sitting while they are pumping toxic chemicals into my innocent veins. I even planned to photograph and document my experience, but i dropped my very best lens and the stock lens just won't do anymore, i've become a camera brat, and payday isn't for a few more weeks.
I thought before we start round two i would answer questions that many of you have asked me....

1. Am i going to lose my hair? ( this is my most common question)
The answer is i don't know. The doctor said i may have some thinning or loss and i may not, so far i haven't lost a hair. But here is a tidbit a lot of you know and many of you dont know.....
I already wear a wig. Yup all the pics you see of me are a wig.
Religious Jewish women cover there hair when they are married. We wear scarfs, hats, snoods, and wigs,i choose to wear a wig. So even if i lost my hair i would look exactly the same to all of you. Isn't that awesome.
2. Will this treatment cycle cure me?
Unfortunately not. The type of leukemia i have (CLL) is considered a chronic disease and chemo can put the disease in remission, but only a Stem Cell Transplant or a Bone Marrow Transplant can cure me. And yes we are expecting some sort of transplant in my near future, but honestly right now i cant even think about that it is so overwhelming.
3. Everyone wants to know what they can do for us and if we need anything?
We need a lot....
We are figuring out a new life where mommy cant do much, and Tatty still has to go to work to pay the bills. If you live local i have a friend who is organizing my life for me email and ill give you her number. To everyone else including locals i need your positive feeling, prayers, and attitudes. Nothing is worse than pitty so please dont give it to me im not interested, but your positive energy i'll take. All your emails, cards, letters, flowers, gifts, balloons, and even bouncy balls, are what got me through my hard days. I love happy fun things, i need colorful things around me it brings me joy, but sadness and pitty are usually left out back.

In this life we are all given challenges some more than others. I refuse to be a slave to my challenges. I refuse to look gloom and feel sorry for myself. I refuse to kvetch about every pain im having. I refuse to allow this horrible disease take me away from me. I will put on my sheitel ( wig) and walk those steps Tuesday morning in my Shabbos best, because that is me.

Colors.....

I love color i always have. Even when i went through my teenage goth stage and only wore black from head to toe, i know somewhere deep in that teenage drama queen sole i still loved color.

My house is painted in vibrant hues and i dress my kids in the colors that make me feel good. Color is so important in our lives.

I have been hearing a lot about color lately. "Oh your color looks good you must be feeling better" or " i saw you yesterday and your color was off, were you having a hard day"? We want to believe that color defines us, and really it does. I also sometimes believe that we need to believe we see color when its not there.

When i made my first Preschool pick up after my hospital stay people walked around me as if i was the worlds thinnest ice sculpture ready to crumble at any minute, and honestly i felt that way too. I had lost 10 pounds and i didn't have 10 lbs to lose. I was weak and pretty pale , i had no color in me, no natural pink glow, just gray.

A few days later i did pick up again, but this time i tried an experiment.I put a little makeup on. I gave myself a fake glow. I put a little lipstick on and some blush, and went to do pick up. Guess what, it worked. People were in high spirits around me. "You look great, you must be feeling so much better" " I was so worried about you on Friday, but today i see you are much stronger". It was so funny and so interesting. Honestly i felt worse, my nausea had kicked in big time, and i was even more exhausted than before. To my friends it didn't matter they saw color. The lipstick won the worried hearts of the people closest to me.

Its so interesting, color, just a bit here a bit there, and i'm a changed woman.
I dont think that's a bad thing either. Hashem made our world full of color full of light. So many beautiful things everywhere, and Hashem also made us want it, react to it, need it. Color
I love this colorful world, babies with extra chromosomes, and even mommies that need extra color to get through the day. How lucky i am to have so much color in my life, and even when i don't, i can paint some on.

I missed you spring!

So i missed spring. All of my weather reports, my countdown, my waiting, and i missed it.I know spring is still happening but i missed the actual coming of spring.

You know where you watch little tiny buds slowly open, your grass starts to green up, and the leaves start to grow in bunches. Instead i was in a bed for 2 weeks that smelled of weird sterile hospital soap, and spring happened without me.

Sometimes i was so out of it that it didn't matter, but there were a lot more moments that i was awake , uncomfortable , and mad. I wasn't just missing spring, i was missing my family, my life.
I became a person i didn't know. The first half of my stay i was docile and compliant, i just wanted to get better and out of there. But time slowly took a toll on me and i became angry. I yelled at nurses and techs, and couldn't believe it was my sad angry voice coming out of my mouth, but i hurt, and i was weak , and scared, and the nurses become my victims ( i don't feel that bad though, because some of them deserved my wrath). I was having allergic reactions to everything. The chemo, the medicine to help with the nausea, the pain killers, it was as if my body was shutting down saying stop stop stop pumping this into me. Instead the slapped a big red plastic bracelet on my wrist that said "Allergy", not allergic, but allergy, like i was the one to stay away from.
I can not put into strong enough words here how miserable i was. It took a part of me and i am still dealing with bits of anger. Anger at my body for quitting on me. Angry at this cancer for showing its ugly face, and angry at Hashem. I know Hashem has a plan, and i know its suppose to be good, and i know i should accept it, but i can't. I'm mad, i don't care what the plan is , how dare you do this to me and my family.

Am i allowed to scream from the tallest mountain "ITS NOT FAIR", or would i sound like a child, or does it even matter.
For two weeks i suffered, but worst of all i watched my sweet family suffer.
My Mel held my sickness on his shoulders,my big guy looked beat and tired and a little slumped over. He worried and feared because he is old enough to understand. He didn't want to go back to Yeshiva, and he loves his Yeshiva.

My Dovie was scared and worried, and asked me over and over if i still loved him. He asked me if i loved him when i was in the hospital, if i loved him now that im home, in general he just wanted to know if i loved him. It was so sad, i don't think he has ever doubted my love for him before, but somehow this horrible sickness took that security away from him.

My Rozie, oh my Rozie suffered, it brings tears to my eyes to remember.My sweet girl who was so happy and easy going, she would go to anyone, she was confident and secure, and a few minutes away from me never was a problem for her.
My mother came to help ( actually take over, thank Hashem because i don't know what we would have done).

Rozie doesn't know her Nana because my family lives so far away in California. She would cry when my mom would take her out of her crib in the morning. She would cry when my mom changed her, and sometimes she would just leave her bottom lip out and just look sad. She was sad. When i came home my mom put her in my bed and she just laid there eyes wide starring at me. She slowly fell asleep and held my arm with all her little strength. When i tried to move to a more comfortable position she held on for dear life. Rozie has always slept in her own crib and would never co-sleep, she needed her space, she likes to stretch out. But for the first time ever she held on in her sleep and needed me and my bed. It was sad.

Things are starting to look up because time heals. Im not so angry and my kids are getting back into a normal routine. Mel went back to Yeshiva, and my mom went home. Everyday i get a little stronger, but i have limits now.


Im trying to figure this whole thing out. I have 6 months of chemo ahead of me. SIX MORE TREATMENTS and im trying to figure out how to swallow that one without choking. Six more infusions, six more allergic reactions, six more bouts of nausea, six more energy swiping toxic chemicals, six more times that i will lose weeks with my family. Six more times, Six more times. I wish i had inspiring words here or a plan that would amaze you all, but i dont and i seriously do not know how im going to do this SIX MORE TIMES!I pray to Hashem that he will give me the energy the stamina the ability to do this six more times. Please Hashem give me this.

I want to thank everyone for your kindness. The emails, i had hundreds of them and my husband would read them to me every night. It was something to look forward to. The cards, i hung the on the wall so i could look at something that wasn't gray.The balloons, i love balloons im not sure why but they bring me so much joy, but they do, and i had enough to fill a circus! The flowers, there were vases everywhere. People came to my room just to see the flowers. They brought me so much joy, and the smell, oh the smell. When i would leave my room i would come back and it smelled like a florist shop, that is the best smell ever. Someone should bottle it "Ode de florist shop".
I also received one gift in the mail that deserved to be in a category of its own. A big bouncy yellow ball. Thats right a ball. Did you know that you can put a few stamps on a ball and send it. I had no idea, but when i opened my front door and found this, trust me it made my day. Could you imagine? I love my bouncy ball!