Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Relishing in stuffy noses

 I use to say the worst thing in the world is when mommy isn't feeling well. The entire house kind of crumbles, but Ive come to a new conclusion. Nothing is as bad as the entire house, Tatty included, not feeling well. I didn't know that level of crumbling even existed. With that all said i have to say that I'm secretly enjoying everyone going through this in my home. Believe it or not but it puts my worried mind at ease.
 When I'm not feeling well i start to worry. Do i need to call the doctor? Am i going to the hospital again? Will this ever go away? Are my blood counts looking bad again? I hound innocent oncology nurses to read me my numbers from my most recent blood work. I make them check an recheck. I call my doctor begging for answers. This is my fear taking over. I'm constantly worried.
 Then one of my children gets a fever, or hurls their lunch. I see them with their droopy eyes and a smile starts to creep up on my face. I often have to hold back. I know it sounds crazy to feel happiness when a child is sick, but a sick child is my relief button. When my kids are feeling bad then i know i have what they have, and its not my world crashing in on me again. So relishing in my child's illness is not one of my finer parenting moments, but i am no longer a typical parent with typical parenting milestones. I have different goals now. How many days after chemo can i drive carpool?
How quickly can i get out of bed and start making dinner again after a treatment gone bad. When will i be able to lift my groceries out of my car without help? When will i not be ready for bed by 2pm? When will i stop worrying about every sniffle my kids get, and if my immune system can handle it? These are my new parenting goals. I have new lines now and new levels of acceptance.
Now excuse me i just heard someone loose their dinner, and yes that may be a smile on my face, so be it.


Jennifer in MamaLand said...

Just found your blog and it's amazing! Wishing you all a refuah sheleimah!!!

Meriah said...

...be well, Mama. xo

sina @ the kosher spoon said...

i love the location in your previous post! and your daughter looks adorable in her outfit. I'm a little jealous she lets you do her hair like that.

I hope you feel well soon! Refua shlemah!