Thanking Hashem for all you got

Once a month Rozie has a special education evaluator come to her school to see how she is doing in class. She helps us decide if we need to make more or different accommodations. Thankfully it usually goes very well and everyone continues to be impressed with Rozie's progress.

 Today was Rozie's monthly evaluation and afterwards her special education teacher and the director and i sat down to talk. What came next threw me for a loop.  They both informed me that for the most part it would be nice if i started sending Rozie full time ( not our 3 days a week we have been doing). Rozie is thriving, she is happy and honestly she is upset, like two hour melt down, on the days she doesn't go. Truth be told Rozie doesn't go full time because i wasn't ready to let her go. Many of you read this post here where i discussed the pain and emptiness i felt sending her to school. Yes that emptiness is subsiding but i'm not ready to send her everyday. Many families keep preschoolers home, so why is this so different? Well the biggest difference is Rozie begs, pleads, cries, and yells on the days she doesn't go. I do fun things with her on her days off but she wants no part of it. So really i'm keeping her home for my own selfish reasons.
I spoke to my husband and after winter break she will start full time. She will be in 7th heaven i will be in H E double hockey sticks again. This is a new stage in my life and i'm not adapting well. Its called empty nest no need to diagnose me. I miss my little birds and i want them home.

I started thinking about stages and it brought me back to a rough time in my life. Before my husband and i had Dovie we struggled for a long time to have a baby. I was miserable all the time. I  wanted another baby so much it consumed me. I obsessed about who was expecting how many babies they had and how quickly. I became envious of all my friends and couldn't participate in their simchas. I was down right pathetic. When i look back to that time i feel a lot of regret. I should have trusted in Hashem, i should have had more fun with my small family. My husband and i should have gone on a cruise. I wasted many years on what i didn't have, instead of thanking Hashem for all i had. Its hard not to feel regretful for all that wasted time, but regret is a 6 letter 4 letter word, and i refuse to say it.

I decided im not going to dwell on my emptiness. Not dwell on the fact that we may not have more children, and i no longer have babies at home. Today i went and got a manicure right smack in the middle of the day. I relaxed and enjoyed my time. I started thinking that i can get manicures all the time now. I can do whatever i want. I ran a few errands and got a fancy coffee. I'm learning to enjoy this new stage in my life, and maybe next week i'll go on a cruise.